don't be such a holy fool †: October 2011

Well i did say this blog was going to be about pretty much anything and everything in my life and at the moment bulimia is very much a big part of mine. I'm a bit nervous about blogging this but i feel that if i tell some of my story it could help somebody else before this stupid illness takes over their mind. I want to stress how horrible and life changing these disorders are, how they are not a joke and really do need to be taken seriously.

First of all i'm not scary thin, which is one of the things i wanted to discuss. Earlier this year when everybody found out about my eating disorder i was at a healthy weight and bmi but was diagnosed with "anorexic tendencies" due to the fact that i would starve myself and make myself sick because i was and still am petrified of gaining weight. I hate the way i look, when i look in the mirror my vision is soo messed up i want to cry i feel i look that disgusting. I wanted to blog my story because when i first started recovery i was a healthy weight and to look at me you wouldn't think anything was wrong. The people at the hospital wouldn't seem that worried because my weight was healthy. I would get so annoyed because it was like you had to be wasting away before anybody would help you. I mean my mind was working like an anorexics but because i wasn't skinny nobody was worried, so nothing really changed. I was embarrassed and totally hated everything about myself. Also because i was a healthy weight and actually gained a few pounds in recovery i hated myself and didn't stop until i shifted the pounds. I felt useless like i couldn't even have an eating disorder right.

I've recently lost a lot of weight even though i don't feel it i've gone from like 8 stone 5 to 7 stone 6 or something. But i don't feel that because the disorder has messed up my brain so much i feel like ten stone heavier than i actually am and i am now petrified of eating and not purging because i don't want to be fat again. I am not trying to encourage or give anybody tips here, but to shift the weight i restricted my eating to just two meals a week and one drink a day. That was what i planned to have but normally i would get soo hungry after a day of starving that my body just couldn't cope and i would just binge. Obviously because my mind is messed up a binge for me probably wouldn't be what you consider to be a binge but i would feel out of control and just eat and eat and eat, then i would just purge it all back up as soon as i could. I can't eat anything at the moment without feeling super guilty and wanting to just puke it all back up. I know this sounds disgusting but this is what the disorder is like and people need to be aware how much pain it puts peolple in and how hard it is to stop.

Due to my weight loss and restriction my therapist who i love and think is actually amazing and psychiatrist (if that's how you spell it) have started to really worry about my physical and mental health. Earlier this week i had an appointment with my psychiatrist and she wasn't really concerned about my weight, my weight and bmi is now classed as underweight but it is not dangerously underweight so she is happy for me to maintain the weight i am thank-god because if i would have had to put on weight i actually would have gone insane. Anyway back to the story before i ramble off topic. All she was worried about ha i say all but it scared me to death. She was worried about how much i was vomiting. My vomiting is out of control at the moment like i said i can't eat anything without bringing it back up, not even a cracker i even find it hard to keep drinks down sometimes it's ridiculous. She was really worried about how much my vomiting was effecting my body and how malnourished i am becoming and she's was surprised i was able to get out of bed in the morning. She explained how i am now putting to much pressure on my body and not giving it the things it needs to survive and she wasn't even happy about me being up and about in college because of the strain i will be putting my body under.

This is the scary bit for me. I am now on my way to becoming anorexic, i should be happy that means i am getting thinner and people are realizing that it's not just a little struggle i can't do this anymore i have NO control. It's weird because i'm petrified of having a heart attack, i mean i did my research into eating disorders i know all the risks and side effects going because i am so fixated on the idea of anorexia and being skinny i know it's wrong i know i shouldn't think the way i do but i can't help it. As i said i knew all the risks but i didn't think i was anywhere near ill enough to have a heart attack. Thursday morning was one of the scariest morning's i have ever had. I had to have blood taken, and ecg and was told that if i carry on vomiting i could end up with heart failure. I am now under the care of the In reach out reach team, there like a group of nurses that come to your house help and support you while you eat and then stay with you afterwards to make sure you don't bring it back up. It is my first appointment with them tomorrow and i am so nervous, it doesn't even feel real. I have a diet plan and i am now having to go from two meals a week to three meals and three snacks a day and go from one drink to at least three.

It's crazy i have got a huge battle a head of me and at the moment i don't feel like i am going to win, there are so many thoughts going round in my head telling me i don't need to get better and that being thin is everything. But its not. It's really not the purpose of this blog was just if you are reading this please don't judge people with eating issues it really isn't an easy thing to overcome and they will need your support and guidance to pull them through. Or if you are reading this and you have eating or body image issues go and get help don't let it drag you in, because once it has you in it's grasp it takes over, invades everything you enjoy and you basically feel like the living dead. You live for food, food becomes your best friend and your enemy and it drives you insane. Just be strong and don't let it crush you. As Gaga would say be brave and love who you are <3

I hope that helps and wasn't too long winded or complicated i only gave a brief snippet because i didn't want to go into it too much, it's just i'm struggling and scared at the moment and just needed to get it out. Also being effected by bulimia and dealing with certain people's reactions has rather pissed me off because they don't believe eating disorders are real diseases they just see them as attention seeking but believe me they are far from it. When you suffer from one you want to just disappear and be alone with your disorder until it makes you thin.

I'm going to stop now because i could go on and on. I was feeling really down this evening that is why i decided to just let my story out and it has actually helped. I may post more on eating disorders and my feelings over the next few weeks, not that anybody is going to read this but maybe somebody will & will hopefully find this post helpful.

Feel free to ask questions & i apologize for my spelling & grammar i bet it's horrible ;)

xox.

Well so as most of the clothes in my wardrobe are so old & too big for me now. I NEEEEEED new clothes, i'm sure that sounds very spoiled but you have no idea. So i've done a bit of searching and i thought i would share with you things i just NEED in my wardrobe. By the way this isn't a fashion blog it's just a blog about anything & everything but expect the majority of posts to be me blabbing on about my "my style obsessions" (totally stole that from Tara, ilove you millions) So here goes...

Love heart pants, Republic, these need no explanation how gorgeous are they :D

Now i found this cardigan on ebay & it was love at first sight. It's actually amazing value & available in pink & gray too. Also for those of you who don't know me i am obsessed with skulls i just think they're so cute so this is an instant "MUM!!!" from me, so yes this is soon to be in my wardrobe :)

I'm in LOVE with this hoodie & have been for a really long time. But it has always been too expensive but now it's on sale in Republic for £20 amazing price for such a good hoodie. There are soo many other colours avaliable and i am torn between the light blue, pink & yellow they are all so awesome ;)

But then there is this hoodie. Again another ebay find, but just look how amazing it is. In case you hadn't guessed i like yellow hoodies. I'm in love with both colours but the yellow one is just the business :) I can't wait for Christmas <3